i rap

Adults are kids with expensive toys and lavish candy; waterguns with bullets and tonka trucks with six cylinder engines. Adults cry over trivial bullshit like bratty toddlers whine when they don’t get the Happy Meal toy they wanted. Adults think once they’ve reached a certain age, they earn a designated amount of wisdom...trite wisdom they can aimlessly throw about to feel canny, or any time their children’s undeveloped minds emit any levelheaded contradiction to what their parents taught them.

Grown ups always have bigger, newer crises, or fads, they need to deal with--problems that society shoves down their throats and forces them to obsess over. Adults have an irrepressible need to grip every last penny they got with each aching muscle in their hands, their eyes glowing green at the thought of what they can squander it on next. They need to sip on their coffee and exclaim over the war going on miles and miles away from their comfy office chairs. They pick a prescribed political view as black and white as the newspapers feeding them these opinions.

And while adults glue their eyes to their plasma screens and Macbook screens and Blackberry screens, they leave behind a totally different world. A slippery, fickle world where it’s inhabitants are left to run blindly toward their future, unconsciously growing more warped than generations before them. They leave behind our callow world, where we are left to our own crises and devices...

I learned how to french kiss when i was seven. My best friend Mary, a Catholic girl with a cutesy bowl cut, taught me the art of kissing among other nasty curiosities I will refrain from explaining, for the own good of your rancid photographic imaginations.

Throughout grade school i had stumbled upon serendipitous knowledge regarding the human form, while simultaneously becoming graciously acquainted with the pleasure principle. I gotta say, yes Freud may have been a sex-obsessed coke fiend who thought up some pretty extreme theories, but I'd be lying if i said i didn't feel like a speedy hedonistic nympho every so often (well, maybe more than that). At least figuratively, anyway.

Maybe i was the only one of my kind around that age. I'm sure not every youngster found their daddy's stash of dirty magazines under their parents' bed. And i'm certain not every seven year old eats their Sunday grilled cheese sandwich in their parents bedroom scanning the April '98 issue of Pent House.

On the other hand, i'm certain i was not the only child to explore these sexual 'taboos', i'll call them taboo since i am talking about pre-pubescents. First off, i've kissed a lot of girls, and i did a lot of girl kissing, specifically, between ages 5 to 10. So considering all these littles are kissing me back, maybe there's an entire milestone we're overlooking, or choosing to ignore. I mean, you can't really imagine that getting written in a child's development textbook. It's one thing worrying about how quickly our children are growing up, but it's definitely more outrageous worrying about our neo-flower children having heavy petting parties while listening to Hannah Montana in the basement.

In addition to the kissing chaos, the internet has opened up a can of worms involving children's sexual development as well as their general knowledge of society. Who says discovering pornography is not a modern novel milestone in an adolescent's life. You can be a sweet little thang from Utah raised in a normal functioning family of 12 with no knowledge of what a woman looks like in a bra. But soon enough, that child will Googling boxing tournaments and will stumble upon SWEATY TEEN DOUBLE FISTS TWIN SISTER'S BOX. Now this kid sees the world with images of incest and child porno in the back of his head. Freud couldn't imagine the sexual perversions that are available today. No one wants to mention it either. I mean the experts writing these textbooks didn't even really get the privilege of free boobies on their screen twenty-four/seven. But the ten year old boys at any ol' sleepover get all access titties at the click of a button.

So I just read in Psychology Today that people can basically get PMS from having too many orgasms. Something about how the all the overwhelming dopamine excreted during an orgasm throws off your whole happy feelings equilibrium for up to two weeks! Now all I can think about is my past relationships and how multiple orgasms made them disintegrate. "Hmm...well we had sex a lot for that whole month. And since he couldn't make me cum that often, he must have just been pissed off and wanted his old girlfriend back." It also said that overindulgent cum sessions can lead to neediness. "Well he and I were having sex pretty often, and he would not give up until I came (which was awesome). And the neediness levels between the two of us were off the charts so that Had to lead to that relationship's demise." I'm basically going to spend the rest of the night thinking up all the reasons why ORGASMs, the solid foundation of every relationship, is actually the cause of being "single". Now I'm just going to assume that all the successful relationships lie within impotent men and the women who were cursed with not being able to climax.

PS here's the link if you don't believe me. read it at your own risk...http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/200908/orgasm-s-hidden-cycle